Because you are sick
by Not Just a Nerd
Summary: You need that complicated determinant problem to keep your mind off her thoughts. You still cry though. Because these locus and cross-multiplication are just distractions. Because you're still hurting inside. Because you're sick. *Jalex.* Three-shot.
1. Chapter 1

**(A/N: here's a good one-shot. I hope I won't disappoint you. The basic idea of this one-shot is that Justin studies to keep thoughts of Alex away and to hide his pain.)**

**Warning: Rated for attempted suicide. Once again, suicide is the worst thing you can do to yourself. This felt too angsty and too painful when I read it. This doesn't have a happy ending. It's realistic. You've been warned. **

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**Disclaimer: I do not own WOWP. Don't sue me, I don't have any allowance :P**

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_You are studying day in and day out. You are getting all straight A-s._ Your parents are really proud of you. They tell you how much they love you and smile kindly at you. You try to smile back, but the guilt hits you and you don't feel good anymore.

"Are you all right?" They ask you, in a concerned voice that increases your guilt.

You simply smile. You do not reply because you do not have the habit to lie, and so you cannot convince them that you're all right.

You are not all right. _**You're sick**_. You're lovesick.

*****

She's pretending to do her homework when she's actually texting her friends. You do not say a word, because what's the use anyway? Suddenly, she throws a crumbled paper in your direction, missing your face by just a few inches.

"What was that for?" You ask angrily, while picking up the paper from the floor and throwing it in your dustbin, because you try to be perfect all the time, and you keep your room clean.

She rolls her eyes in that way that makes your blood boil and your lovesick heart throb rapidly at the same time. "For being such a pain in my life all the time, duh" she replies in her usual sarcastic tone, sticking her tongue at you playfully.

The words sting. You hide the tears suddenly forming in your eyes, because you don't want her to see you cry, you don't want her to know that you are hurt, that you actually care about her, you don't want her to know that she has the power to stab you in the heart. So you play the role of the dorky older brother that you are and shoot back a nasty reply: "I was born first. You are the pain in my life."

And you're not lying. Because she is a pain in your life, a pain that has no cure, a pain that has no end, a pain that'll destroy you with every breathe you take, _a pain that makes you cry every time you shut that heavy math book. Because when you're not busy, she's the only thing that reigns in your mind. You __**need**__ that complicated determinant problem_ _to keep your mind off her thoughts. And that's how you end up with 100 in every test. _So really, she's actually doing you a favor.

But it still doesn't make anything better. You still cry and cry and cry. _Because these locus and cross-multiplication are just distractions._ Because you're still hurting inside. _**Because you're sick.**_

*****

You see her in school in between classes, and that definitely doesn't make things easier for you. You try not to stare at that gorgeous face and those beautiful eyes, but fail miserably. _**Because you are sick**_, you can't tear your eyes away.

She's talking to a friend, an amused smile adorning her lips, and you see the excitement in those mischievous twinkling eyes. You smile too. _**Because you're sick**_, because her happiness makes you smile, and gosh you sound so cheesy but you don't even care!

She walks in your direction, and your breath hitches and your cardiac rate increases. You smooth your shirt and back brush your hair with your hands. _**Because you're sick**_, because you want to look perfect.

Then she walks past you, without even glancing at you once, without even acknowledging your presence. Your dreams shatter again and you're brought back to reality. You feel invisible, you feel hurt. Because you've fallen for someone who doesn't even care to look at you, because your life is twisted in the cruelest way, _**because you're sick. **_

_So you clutch your books tighter to your chest, because books are your best friends after_ _all, they have never let you down, and you silently head to the class, because that's one_ _place where you find a bit of relief. _

*****

She's talking with that cute guy (according to her, you think he looks like a mannequin) in the substation and you want to cry again. Because the script was modified and your role has been changed. (**Pun intended**). Because you'll never be that guy that'll make her laugh in that way. Because you'll never even get a chance to ask her out, you'll never have a way to enter her heart. Because you're her brother, because you're the unlucky person stabbed in the heart by unrequited love. _**Because you're sick**_, and you will never find the cure. _So you turn to page 567 of Organic Compounds and block your thoughts again. _

******

She's failing science again and she desperately needs your help with that assignment she has to submit the next day. You fall victim to those puppy dog eyes and that pout again, and you end up drawing 20 sketches of biology before your physics test. You get a 95 on that test, and your biggest rival gets a 100. You don't mind though, because she got an A in her assignment, and she passed. Because she's happy and she's smiling again. Because her happiness is everything that matters to you, and _**you're so sick**_ that you don't even care if that sounds cliché.

She's not grounded and she leaves for her date. _And you end up with your physics book to force the pain away. _

This time, you get a 100. _Because you have spent all the guilty nights with your physics books, _because sleep has abandoned you a long time back and you have abandoned the nightmares as well, _**because you're sick**_.

*****

You feel a strange blankness in your body and mind, a hollow feeling that hurts. You know it is because of the fact that you do not remember who you are. You know you lost your memory, you know magic is not flowing in your blood anymore.

But you don't care. Because she's right in front of your confused eyes. Because you're smart and kind and everything she ever wanted to be. Because she runs into your arms when you promise her that you will never leave her. _**Because you're sick**_, and you still remember that much.

This sickness can never fade. Because it's love, true love, and true love never dies, right?

*****

When X bites Y, Y becomes a wolf forever. When Y scratches X, X loses vampire powers.

She turns emo after he's gone and you've never felt sicker in your life. She cries every single day, and you cry too, because every time you try to reach out to her, she pushes you away. You feel insane when she cuts her wrists with your compass. You know that you may never get an A in geometry again; you know your hands will shake at the painful memory every time you hold that stupid pointed object in that perfect poise.

But you don't care, because as soon as she sees you, she runs into your arms, and after full 20 days, you touch sin again. She's bleeding in your arms and promising that she'll never do this again.

Your horrified parents take her to the hospital, and you're left at home in charge of your little brother. You cry and cry and cry and silently pray to God that she's all right. Thirteen bottles of saline later she comes home safe and you feel alive again. Because you love her more than anything else, because you'll die the day you lose her, _**because you're sick. **_

*****

The pain is too much and you can't take it anymore. You feel the need to share this with someone. So when your best friends, whom you trust so much, ask you what is wrong with you lately, you finally confess. They don't hate you, but they don't support you either. They don't understand this, they find it weird. And you don't blame them, because you know it's weird, because you know it's wrong, _**because you know it's sick**_.

Soon you realize what a great mistake you have made. These feelings should have been carefully hidden in a secure corner of your heart, but it's too late.

Your friends start to tease you, and it becomes such a torture! You can't take it anymore and you hate school. You want to hide away in your locked room and never face the world again. _But your grades never drop. All the guilty nights spent on studying fetch you straight A-s. _

Soon she notices the teasing too, and asks you what's wrong. You try to play it causal and tell her it's nothing serious. Sure enough she doesn't believe you- you were never good at lying, especially to her.

Within one month she understands what it's about, and the world ends. You feel your life lamp is extinguished the moment she pushes you away. She's disgusted with you, she hates you, and you start hating yourself as well. You apologize, but that doesn't change the facts. That doesn't make her stop screaming and yelling at you every day. And you know you deserve that. She is right- "_**you are sick**_."

After the most painful week of your life, she starts talking to you normally again. Just when you breathe and relax, she joins in the teasing. At first you're too shocked to react, and you feel like stuck in the wrong movie shot, waiting for the director to say "cut."

She's teasing you about your 'crush' on her. Oh God!

Then there's a history assignment shoved in your direction.

"Why should I do it?" you ask, eyeing the 20 page assignment.

"Because you love me", she replies, battering her eyelashes and shooting a teasing smile your way.

You stare at her in shock and horror and disbelief and pain, and your heart breaks yet again. _She's using you, just like she has been since she was born_, but this? This is a totally different way. She's toying with your feelings- she's using it for her own benefits, and hurting you in the process. She's disrespecting your emotions and only caring about herself. This is totally cruel and ruthless. And you feel the innocent girl that grew up in front of your eyes is suddenly gone. This is someone else. Because your Alex would _**never **_intentionally hurt anyone, let alone you, because deep inside, she is a nice person, with a heart of gold.

Then you look in her eyes and feel stunned again, because she's smiling all innocent, and oh God, she isn't taking this seriously. She thinks it's just some weird phase, something casual that'll pass away with time (like your obsession with Power Rangers). She doesn't realize what she's doing to you. She doesn't know that she's hurting you, that this love is tearing you apart. _She just knows she's using you, just like she has been since she was born…._

You let out a sound that sounds like a sigh and a groan, and you shake your head in frustration. You take the history assignment paper in your hand. Because you're helplessly in love, you have no control over yourself, because you'd even die for her, like all the heroes in those sappy movies that you love, because she is life, she is death, _**because you're sick.**_

And because maybe there is a tiny part of your mind that hopes someday she'll understand how much you love her, and then she'll love you back as well. You shut off the logical voice in your brain that tells you it'll never happen. Because you're not logical and rational in love_**, because you're sick**_.

*****

She stops talking to you when she gets a new boyfriend. Your insides hurt- your nerves, your eyes, your blood vessels ache. _You cry whenever you shut that big fat biology book_. You can't take it anymore and you know you'll go insane. You cant stand to see her with someone else and you want to run away.

Your grades are still up, thanks to guilty nights spent on books, and you decide to join a college far, far away from your home. Everything is arranged and you're about to leave. You're not crying, you promised yourself you will not cry when you leave, because you're finally getting rid of the pain- this is your only chance of putting an end to your miseries and your frantic feelings. After all, _they say 'out of sight, out of mind'. (But they also say "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", so you're really not that sure….)_**(A/N: any thoughts on these two contradictory sayings? It always confuses me. LOL.)**

But then she's running into your arms and begging you not to leave her. "You promised me you'll never leave me." She's shaking in your arms and her tears are running down your shoulders, soaking your shirt, and gosh you're her big brother and she loves you like the great sister she is. "I cant live without you", she whimpers, beating your back desperately with her tiny fists, "you can't leave me."

You hug her tightly and tell her you're sorry. And then you realize you're crying too. Because this might be the last time you're seeing her, this might be the last time you're holding her in your arms, this might be the last time you're with her in the house where you grew up together, this might be the last goodbye.

So you let yourself cry. Because you are losing the one person you truly loved, because you're dying inside, _**because you're sick**_.

She clings onto your arms in despair, but your parents manage to untangle her and calm her down a bit. You wipe your tears and you just run outside, not even glancing back once. You cant risk looking at her again, because you are vulnerable, because you're crying, _**because you're sick**_.

So you walk away, and walk into the trap laid in front of you. _Books and books and books. You trap yourself in the world of books and try to lock the feelings away. Laws and formulas and equations and problems. _You indulge yourself in the never ending puzzle.

_You are studying day in and day out. You are getting all straight A-s……_

**(A/N: I hope you liked it. Please review and let me know! I can make it a two-shot and give them a happy-ending if at least 5 people want that, so let me know in a review, otherwise this is the end.) **


	2. Chapter 2

**(A/N: thank you everyone for the amazing response and reviews :) It's my best so far. I've decided to give them a happy ending, but as I wrote the chapter got long, so this is becoming a three-shot. This chapter is angst but not so dark. Please read and review!)**

_*****_

_You are studying_ _day in and day out. You're getting all straight A-s_. It's been just three months, and you're already going insane.

You don't know how you are going to live the rest of your life without her- without seeing her every day, without soothing her when she is crying, without letting her know that you love her _through your eyes_. You know you _have to_ let go now, but you don't know how. You know you will live and survive, but life will never be the same without her. It will always be incomplete. _You_ will always be incomplete. _**You'll always be sick.**_

_You are studying day in and day out. You're getting all straight A-s._ Your parents call you up every day, telling you how much they love you and miss you, and how proud they are of you. You smile and tell them you miss them too. Your mother is worried that you may not be eating properly, and you sigh because she is right. You cannot eat, because you're depressed with your life, because you're disgusted with yourself_**, because you're sick. **_

And only when you get off the phone you realize that you're crying. You did not talk to her again; because you're scared that you'll never be able to forget her if you keep holding on, _**because you're sick.**_

You miss her so much it hurts, and you can't take the pain. You bang your forehead harshly in the fat physics book, and when you look at the swelling and feel the pain, you feel relieved again.

You do not treat your wound, because you love to let yourself suffer, because you love the pain, because this pain is nothing compared to the constant pain in your heart, _**because you're sick.**_

*******

It's her birthday, and you do not know what to do. You feel lost again. You want to wish her, because you always do, you have never missed once. But you are scared to call her up, because hearing her angelic-demonic voice will regenerate the feelings that you _pretend_ have gone away. Because listening to her talk will cause goose-bumps in your skin, and you don't have air-conditioning in your dorm, so this time, you can't _fool _yourself. Because speaking to her will remind you how much you miss her, because you're still in love with her even though you will _never admit_ to yourself_**, because you're sick**_.

So you decide on the second best thing- text. You wish her a happy birthday through a text.

And then you grab your math book and pound on the calculus problem. _You are studying till 1 at mid-night, because you are anxious about how she'll react to your text_, because it's the first time you've said anything to her in three months, because you're expecting a reply, but you're scared that the reply may never come_**, because you're sick.**_

You head to bed, sighing, because no reply came. When your eyes are shut and her smiling face is flashing in your mind again, your lips quiver at the sensation of a drop of water, and then you realize you're crying again. Because there are a thousand possible emotions that the text might have triggered in her mind- _longing, pain, sorrow, regret, hatred, love, happiness, fear, complaint_. Because you do not know what to do next, _**because you're sick**_. Because you're thinking about her, and you do not even realize when you fall asleep and the thoughts become dreams.

You wake up the next morning because of the alarm blaring in your cell phone. When you grab your cell phone and turn it off, you nearly fall off your bed in surprise. A reply came when you were asleep! Your hand is shaking in excitement and anticipation, but you somehow manage to press the button that says "Open."

"_Thnx. Miss u. B happy n stay healthy."_

A short and simple text, but well, that seems almost normal. There is a smile forming on your lips and there are tears forming in your eyes, and for the first time in your life, you laugh and cry at the same time. Because you are this close to insane, _**because you are sick. **_ You clutch the cell phone close to your chest, because that is as close as you can get to _feeling her_. You run your fingers above the screen that holds the text again and again, because that is as close as you'll get to _touching her_. Before you know it, you're smiling again, because this happiness is overwhelming, because it shuts off all the other thoughts and emotions in your mind, _**because you're sick. **_

And for the first time in three months, you are eating lunch properly and laughing with your friends, because she asked you to be happy, because she told you to stay healthy, because you listen to every word she says, _**because you're sick.**_

******

It's your first vacation, and you decide not to go back home. You tell your parents you will be busy with your academics, and they tell you how much they miss you, and plead you to come home once. You turn them down though. Because you cannot face them without guilt eating you up, because you cannot face her without pain killing you, _**because you're sick. **_

You cry and cry and cry, because you miss your family so much! It has been such a long time since you last saw them- her. You choke on that thought and grab your wallet. _You're heading to the library, because you need that silence, you need that peace, you need those books. _

_You head home after an intense study session that drained so much of your energy that you're sure you will fall asleep soon and you will not have to cry too long_. And then you notice a familiar brunette sleeping peacefully in your bed. You freeze in your track in shock, because this isn't real, right? You're convinced you have finally lost it; you're convinced that you're suffering from schizophrenia, so you laugh hysterically at your misery.

That's when she startles and sits up abruptly.

"You're back..." She whispers, rubbing her sleepy eyes with her left hand, and yawning in tiredness. "I thought you'd never stop hanging out in that nerd room."

You laugh again, shaking your head to snap yourself out of your fantasy. "You have to be snarky even in my daydreams?"

She's studying your face, her eyes showing a mixture of amusement, shock and fear. "I am real, Justin. I'm here." She whispers, standing up and walking up to you. "See." She takes your hand in hers, and leads it to her arm to let you know she's real. You shiver the moment her skin makes contact with yours, and your blood is rushing south.

"Move, Alex." You order through clenched teeth, taking in deep breaths to force the feelings away, because she is real and she's standing in front of you and, oh God this can't be good!

She simply rolls her eyes and crosses her arms in front of her in a defensive gesture, tapping her foot on the floor in rhythm with the _heaving of her chest_, and oh gosh you're standing mere one foot away from sin and staring at her.

"Why aren't you coming home?" she demands.

"I can't." You whisper feebly, still managing to find your voice even with all the wrong hormones working. "It's better this way."

"BETTER MY FOOT." She yells, leaning forward slightly in anger, and oh gosh she's so close you can smell the faint scent of her peach lip gloss. "Do you know how hurt mom and dad are? Mom is crying every day. Max misses you too and I…" she pauses, taking in a deep breath, "I miss you too Justin. Please come home."

"I can't…" You whisper again, even though you can feel your resistance is quavering and you are holding onto the last shred of self-control.

"Why not?" She asks, stomping her feet in the ground and then pouting at you. And that does it.

You grab her roughly by her shoulders and pull her close into your body. You look deeply into her eyes, you do not see fear and pleading like you expected- one daring eyebrow is quirked up questioningly, and that's it.

You release her and look away, feeling disgusted with yourself. "I'm sorry." You whisper.

"Yeah, whatever." She scoffs. "I'm telling mom you're coming home this weekend and staying with us. No argument Justin. It's final."

"But Alex-"

"I said no buts." She cuts you off. "You think you can sleep on the floor today?"

You only nod, because you are not sure if you can stand being this close to her, but you're willing to take the chance, because if you say no, she doesn't have a place to stay at night.

Thankfully for you though, sleep and peace comes to you that night for some reason and you manage to fall asleep. She's ready to leave the next morning, and you're worried that she's traveling alone.

"It's your fault really." She snarls at you. "You shouldn't have picked a college this far."

It's her fault really; it is because of her that you are running away. You sigh and decide not to play the 'blame game'. "It's not safe for you to travel alone like this."

"Justin, please, I'm old enough." She whines. "Dad let me come here alone."

"I'm not dad." You snap. "And you are old but not mature."

"I am mature!" She stomps her feet on the ground, unintentionally emphasizing your point.

You quirk an eyebrow and smile at her in a teasing manner, clearly enjoying your victory. Your big brother antics will never leave you, and you're thankful that at least something related to Alex still feels the same.

"Fine." She sighs, giving up. "What do you want me to do?"

"I have the portal key." You announce, taking it out from a secret drawer in your closet, and for the first time in months, you're ready to do magic. "I'll mail you there."

She just shrugs and grabs her back-pack. "Okay."

*****

You're entering the sub-station after months of pain, and smiling at the 'welcome home' banners set up especially for you. But yours eyes are looking here and there and searching for her face, and gosh you can't even control your gaze!

"Justin! My baby!" your mother runs upto you, attacking you with a bear hug, "I missed you so much! I'm so glad that you're here finally…. Don't they feed you properly? You've become so thin!"

You smile slightly through your tears and hug her back. "I miss you too mom."

Your father is the next one to hug you. And then there's your little brother.

"Where's Alex?" you ask, feeling both scared and worried by her absence.

"Over here!" She yells from the lair, and apparently, she's been eavesdropping into your conversation.

"I told her she can't get out of there until she fixes the crystal ball that she broke." Your father explains, his face showing a hint of anger for a second. "But if you want to see her then..."

"I'll go see her there." You blurt out before you can stop yourself.

You enter the lair, and there's Alex sitting on the couch texting someone, her wand lying lazily on the coffee table, the crystal ball lying broken in the floor, and several books on "Repairing" scattered here and there in the most disrespectful manner.

And _now_ you know you're home.

"Do I need to tell you that you have to fix it?" she asks, not looking up from the cell phone.

You smile slightly and shake your head. "No. But you need to tell me _why_ I have to fix it."

She rolls her eyes. "Because you lo-"

She catches her guard before the word leaves her mouth, and for a moment everything is silent and awkward, and so maybe she finally realizes that you're serious about her, and maybe she does not hate you for that.

You are actually a good actor, and you have become so used to lying to yourself. _So when she orders you to do something, you convince yourself that it's possessiveness._You simply grab the wand and mutter the spell, the crystal ball is fixed.

"Thanks, you just saved us a lot of time." She chuckles, getting up and running into your arms, pulling you into a hug. "I missed you so much."

Okay, correction, _now_ you know you're home.

"I missed you too." You whisper, and your voice cracks, and okay, you finally admit that you have lost the inner battle again, because you're still helplessly in love with her, _**because you are still sick. **_

*****

Your mom cooks all your favorite foods. Your dad munches on them; your brother complains about how much he hates pumpkin pie. It feels like a normal family dinner, well, almost.

She's rolling her eyes every now and then, nodding or shaking her head when someone asks her something, and you have never seen her so quiet.

"What's up with her?" you ask your mother when you're helping her wash the dishes, despite of her protests.

She looks at you and sighs. "She's been down ever since you left."

You sigh too, because this may be your fault in a totally different way, because may be she is freaking out by _**how sick you are. **_

"I'll talk to her." you assure your mother, and the smile that she flashes in your direction makes your stomach churn with guilt again.

Before you can do anything more, your little brother is pulling you upstairs to play a x-box game with him, so okay, maybe talking can wait for some other day. (Thank goodness!)

*****

The next day is Sunday and it is declared as family day. Thankfully sleep comes to you in the familiarity of your own room, so you do not have fresh dark circles today.

Your father insists on Family Game Night, but you turn him down, because you don't really need another crime scene tape, apart from the crime that you are committing in your mind. It becomes a family movie night and Max manages to force your parents to get a horror flick.

Your parents are seated in the big couch, your brother in the chair. You are seated on the floor in front of your mom, and she's lovingly ruffling your hair. Your sister is sitting beside you, and you're not sure how long you can keep your eyes forcefully glued to the screen.

She's yawning dramatically and within ten minutes her head ends up resting in your lap. You panic and prepare to push her away, but she's smiling slightly, and she looks like Alex again, so okay. You are ready to hurt yourself if that makes her smile.

Your parents leave half-way, disgusted (read: scared) by the horror scenes, so it's just the three of you. Max is watching the movie with interest, but somehow he falls asleep too.

"Maybe we should go too." You whisper in her ears, because really_, being this close to her is the worst possible torture at the moment. _

She looks up at you with tired eyes and pouts. "But I want to watch the full movie."

You sigh and look away. She hasn't applied lip gloss and you think she looks best with no make-up and you are tired of fighting the urge to caress those lips.

Your sick disgusting thoughts are interrupted by her snoring, and gosh she fell asleep, in your lap. She's sleeping with her face buried in her hands, and you wonder why she wants to _hide her face_. You try to move her away, but she wraps her arms around your neck, and you know no good will come from this but you can't help yourself. You watch her sleep innocently in your arms, and your own actions are freaking you out. Because you want to witness her fall asleep, you want to witness her wake up, because you're a helpless romantic, _**because you're sick. **_

"Please don't leave me." she whispers in her dreams, shaking in fear, and now you don't have to ask her what's wrong. Your eyes are wide with shock as you realize that she has been down because you left her, because she misses you. And you hate yourself again for _**being so sick**_, because otherwise, nothing like this would have happened.

She wakes up the next morning in your arms, and she's smiling at you, and you smile back, because you're pretending to yourself that this is totally something else; that she is yours and she belongs in your arms.

The breakfast is normal and she speaks again.

"So, you'll be staying for some time right?" she asks you non-chalantly in an indifferent tone, but you can see the fear in her eyes.

"No." you suddenly blurt you. "I'm leaving today."

"What? Why?" your mother cries out immediately.

Because you cannot stand being this close to her and yet not been able to touch her, to call her yours. Because seeing her constantly texting her boyfriend (as you assumed) is making you insane. Jealous would be an understatement, _**because you are sick**_.

"Studies." You mutter half-heartedly, shooting an apologetic smile in your parents' direction.

Alex scoffs and shakes her head, because she isn't going to be fooled so easily, because she knows that you are dashing away from her and hiding from your feelings, because she knows that _**you are sick.**_

You leave hurriedly after lunch, and this time, the good-bye isn't so painful.

The pain returns when you reach your dorm again, _because being this far from her is the worst possible torture at the moment._ You are missing her within two minutes, and you remember why you didn't want to go home in the first place. Just 44 hours at home has reminded you about _**how sick you are **_and this time you also feel a sense of _helplessness. _So you throw yourself at your book-shelf and pounce on the complicated theorems and proofs.

Soon, life becomes the same again. You are crying because of the pain of unrequited love. _You are studying day in and day out. You're getting all straight A-s. _

_(A/N: I hope I could live up to your expectations, well, I tried my best. And I'll tell you why the previous chapter seemed so real: because it is real. I have suffered from unrequited love (who hasn't? and no, it wasn't forbidden :P) and I buried myself with books, so I know how it feels. So glad I moved on. :) Anyways, please review and tell me if you like this chapter. The next chapter will be up as soon as I finish editing it.)  
_


	3. Chapter 3

_(A/N: this is the last part. I wrote this today when I was finally feeling sad again. Say thank you to the wonderful Gigi-s in my school :P Anyways, this chapter got long again. *sigh*. I hope I can satisfy you :) Hope you enjoy it!)_

_Disclaimer: No, still don't own it. _

_*******_

_You are studying day in and day out. You are getting all straight A-s_. Almost a year has already passed and you didn't dare to go home during this time, because you are still fighting the feelings that you wish did not exist, because you're still in love with her, _**because you're still sick.**_

_Lies. Lies. Lies. You're telling yourself a thousand lies_... You're looking at the mirror and smiling at your reflection (Now you know you're still alive, now you're sure you're not a ghost yet.) You're trying to ignore the fact that the 'happy glow' is missing from your lifeless eyes.

You're sitting in your room, books open in front of you, the pages getting flipped because of the wind of the fan-blades. But your gaze is fixed on that dull spot in the wall that you're been watching for the last half an hour. You tell yourself that you're just trying to test your attention span. You're not thinking. Nope, you're totally not thinking about her. At all. Not a bit.

You're clutching your pen a bit too hard and your fingers pain. That's totally the reason why tears are flowing down your cheeks.

_Lies. Lies. Lies. You're telling yourself a thousand lies_….And that doesn't end your pain. So you finally grab your chemistry book and concentrate on it again. Within an hour, you've completely drowned yourself in Planck's Quantum Theory of Radiation.

When you try to sleep, the pain returns again. You wish you could just close your eyes and wake up somewhere else, you wish this is some dream, you wish this isn't real. You try to pretend to yourself that this isn't real. And it doesn't work- because you're too logical, rational and scientific to fool yourself, because you get sudden depression attacks for apparently no reason, _**because you're sick. **_

*****__

It's the beginning of the Christmas vacation and everyone (except you) is packing their bags. That's when you see her again. You're not sure why you freeze, but you think it has something to do with the way your heart is pounding uncontrollably in your chest and memories are rushing back again, playing like a movie in your mind's eyes.

"What are you doing here?" you ask in shock and horror. You think she is here to talk you into returning home again, and you're so not going to give in to her again! Nope. __

She hurls her heavy bags at you, making a 'Phew' sound and handing you a letter. It's from your mother, and your eyes widen as you read it, because oh gosh your mother sent her to stay with you for a 'few days', and oh God you are given the impossible task of convincing her that she needs to get into college next year.

"Looks like mom has given up all hopes that you'll return home." She scoffs, tucking strands of hair behind her ears, and you try not to notice how beautiful she still looks.

You look down and you are silent for a minute, because you are suddenly missing your mother and need her hugs to make everything feel better; because you're feeling alone, because you're feeling homesick, because you're feeling guilty, _**because you're sick. **_

"You know I can't-"You look up finally and try to protest, but stop when you see her glaring at someone behind you.

You turn around and see… a hundred students in the campus ground, okay.

"Who's that?" she asks you casually, gesturing at someone with her eyes.

You look at that (poor) person who's been rewarded with her scorn, and wave. "That's Liz, my classmate." You reply, smiling at the girl staring at you.

And then you stare at Alex, because you think that you heard her snort, but you are not sure, because she can't possibly hate someone without a reason, right? But well, it's Alex. She has a history of disliking your friends, just because they are your friends, and they are intelligent (geeks).

There's a tap on your shoulder and you turn around to see Liz smiling at you. "Hey."

"Hey." You smile back politely, even though your mind is still paying attention to Alex. You never realized when you become so super-sensitive to her presence.

"Who's that?" she asks, gesturing at Alex.

"I'm Alex." Alex replies, and for a moment you think she sounds… annoyed?

You're not sure if you should add the 'sister' part, because you have never mentioned her to anyone, because if you start talking about her, you're sure people will figure out how you feel about her, _**because you're sick. **_

"Hi Alex. I'm Liz." Liz smiles politely and offers her hand.

Alex reluctantly shakes her hand and fakes a smile. And you know this can't be good. Poor Liz can probably get turned into a mouse.

"So, what brings you here?" Liz asks her politely, smiling again, and you know how much Alex hates 'nice' and 'polite'.

"I'm visiting my brother?" Alex replies briefly, and there, your secret is out. She checks her wrist watch in annoyance and grabs your arm. "We're getting late. Come on, Justin."

Then she does the unthinkable- _she takes your hand in hers and leads you away, _greeting Liz with a small goodbye.

Your brain immediately starts doing permutations and combinations, and there is hope rising in your chest, as your mind lists a hundred reasons why Alex is behaving this way. Most of them are not logical, but you don't care, because you have stopped listening to your brain the moment she took your hand, because it is becoming impossible to breathe with the happy dance of your heart, _**because you are sick. **_

*****

You enter your room and place the bags on the floor. Your room-mate quirks an eye-brow at you questioningly.

"I'm Alex." She speaks before you can say anything. "I came to visit him."

Your room-mate nods and then turns to look at you, grinning suggestively. "You never told me you had such a beautiful girlfriend."

You are shocked and horrified and the word 'NO' doesn't leave your mouth which is currently hanging open.

She elbows you to snap you out of your trance, and then shakes her head at your room-mate. "I'm his sister, but hey, thanks for the compliment." She smiles at him, and you feel sick again. Because she is clearly crushing on your roommate and you'll just have to stand and watch them flirt. (She broke up with her boyfriend a few months back, and you tell yourself that you felt relieved because you're an over-protective big brother_. Lies. Lies. Lies. You tell yourself a thousand lies…_.)

"I didn't see you when I came here before." She speaks again, and you can feel your heart sink at the sweetness of her tone, because Alex never does sweet unless she wants something (or someone).

"I was at home for vacation." He replies politely, his lips curving upward into a small smile, and you can't take this anymore.

She gives you an accusatory look, her eyes telling you 'see-people-go-home-during-vacations'. You feel _helpless_. You want to go home- but you can't. You don't have a choice. Because you've already planned your future, and that involves running away to distant places, away from your family, away from the memories. Because you know going back will make moving on more difficult (impossible) than it presently is, _**because you're sick. **_

You let out a sigh and shake your head, looking at her. "You should rest."

She doesn't reply, she just moves around to your book-shelf. "These are all yours?" she asks, touching the hard wood binding of your books, and for some reason, you don't protest (but you'd rather not think about this reason.)

"Yeah." You reply, but it sounds like a frustrated sigh.

"So you are dating your books so that you don't miss me?" she asks, turning around and fixing you with one of the deadliest glares.

"Indulging yourself into books is better than indulging yourself into drinking and drugs." You snap. (**A/N: that's my belief basically)**

Your roommate is pretending to read the newspaper while he is listening intently, and this is definitely not the best place to have this conversation, but you don't care, because when she's with you, the world just blurs out, _**because you're sick. **_

She tilts her head to a side and thinks for a moment. "Really?" she asks in an amused tone, and okay, you should have expected this, because hello- it's Alex you're dealing with!

You room-mate lets out a laugh, clearly enjoying your sibling bantering, and you have to glare at him to make him shut up.

And then you turn towards her again. "YES!" you yell.

"Fine, I get it." She yells back, making a face. "So you don't drink even though you're in college?" she asks, a teasing smirk slowly forming in her lips as she crosses her arms in front of her.

You just stare at her in disbelief. "What does college have to do with drinking?"

She shrugs and sits down on your bed, taking off her sneaker and socks and throwing them on the floor.

"Whoa! Decent much?" you scold, picking up the discarded footwear and neatly placing them in a corner of your room. You don't have to look back to know she's rolling her eyes. You know her every move too well, you grew up with her, remember?

"What about parties?" she asks again, yawning. And from the sound you hear you know she just stretched in your bed. (You really need a bed that isn't half broken and doesn't make so much noise.)

"I've been to a few." You reply honestly, turning back and walking to sit beside her in your bed, and you're totally not fantasizing anything in your mind. You look at her and you read her mind, like you always do. "No, there are no parties now, and hypothetically, even if there was, I wouldn't take you." You declare before she can even ask you. 

She glares at you (and you know she's looking for new blackmail material) and punches your arm. "Sometimes you sound like you're my dad."

You smile slightly. "No, I'm not dad. You can't manipulate me that easily."

She smiles back, a genuine smile that you haven't seen for such a long time, and gosh you missed it so much more than you realized! "I can totally manipulate you!"

You know she is right. She has this strange way of hypnotizing you with those deep chocolate brown orbs hidden behind those silk curtains of long thick eyelashes, and gosh no, you're not staring again! You forcefully tear your gaze away from her, something that you have mastered the strength for somehow. You have no witty comeback, so you get up instead. "You take some rest. I need to study."

"Only you'd study during vacations." She teases in a sleepy voice, and pulls your comforter up to her shoulders. You're know you'll never wash it so that it always smells like her, so that it always feels like her, because when it comes to her, you don't care about hygiene anymore, _**because you're sick. **_

She has traveled a long distance, she looks tired, she looks beautiful- like an _angel_, and it's so hard to believe that this is the _devil _of a sister in your life!

You sit in your study chair, your back turned towards her, because you're not sure if you can study in her presence, and this time, it's not because of the fact that she grew up poking you with her pencils when you did your homework.

You're trying to focus your mind on the sums in front of you, you're trying not to think about her, and you tell yourself that you're succeeding. But somehow log 10 becomes 2, sin 90 becomes 0, pie becomes 7/22, and you can't recognize where you've made a mistake! This has been working for years, this technique of distracting yourself is fool-proof, it always works.

Or not. Your roommate is leaving the room to give you two some privacy. When he sees you staring at the incorrect sum, he points out that log 10 is 1, sin 90 is 1, and pie is 22/7, and you feel like hiding in the tenth grade again. You can see her smiling, even with her eyes closed, clearly relishing the fact that you got a sum wrong. (You're sure this will feature in all her tweets for the next week, you'd be lucky if the retweets end within a month!)

You scratch the page, and start from the beginning again. This time you get the sum right (thank goodness!). You're studying like you're insane, and you can feel the pain dissipate.

Then she has to get up and grab the discarded newspaper. _Your hands reach your mouth two seconds after you gasp. Alex Russo is reading news?_

"Cancer. Hmm. Do: Be practical. Don't: be involved in trading. Expect: changes at work." And she's reading all the sun-signs twice and then thrice, and okay, so she discovered a new way to disturb you when you're studying. That should be technique no. 109 (excluding the fact that her mere presence is enough to destroy all your concentration.)

"What is it, Alex?" you sigh in frustration, turning around in your seat to face her (even though that isn't such a good idea.)

She shrugs. So now she wants to play innocent! "How long do you know Liz?"

"W-what?" you stutter at the unexpected question. "Umm… more than a year? Why?"

She shakes her head, smiling to yourself. "You know she's into you, right?"

"What?" you almost jump out of your seat in shock.

She glares at you again. "Do you like her?"

"Yeah." You reply without thinking, because you're totally sure you like her. _Lies. Lies. Lies. You tell yourself a thousand lies. _

She sighs, and you can't read her expression anymore, you can't recognize the foreign emotion in her eyes. "You bite your bottom lip when you lie. You might wanna work on that."

You finally realize that you're teeth in nibbling your lower lip. "I'm not lying." You defend yourself. "You'll see. I'll ask her out tomorrow."

She looks away, and theirs no comeback. Weird.

"How long are you going to stay here?" you ask in a tone that sounds harsher than you intended, but whatever, you need her to leave so that you can study (and for thousand other reasons that you'd rather not say.)

"Until you decide you wanna come home." She replies, trying to hide the (evil) grin forming in her lips.

"I told you I _can't _go home." You snap.

"Because you don't wanna be near me right?" she asks matter-of-factly.

You only nod, unsure where this whole conservation is going.

"Look Justin, if you want, you can stay here during the vacation, studying like a geek." She says, and you feel like she's giving up a bit too quickly. "And I'll just stay here with you and make sure I destroy all your stuff."

Or not. Well, one can always hope?

"_OR_ you can come home and stay with your family. Either way, you'll have to stay with me." She finishes with a shrug.

You stare at her in disbelief again. Sneaky. Conniving. Devious. Alex.

"Take your time." She assures, no longer trying to conceal her victorious grin.

"Do you realize it's too dangerous for you to stay near me?" you blurt out all of a sudden.

"You and dangerous? _Please_." She waves her hand in a non-chalant gesture, and again, she's not taking this seriously. Irresponsible. Carefree. Apathetic. Alex.

You glare at her, trying your best to look serious and not like a school-boy-with-a-crush. "You're not safe with me." You confess, looking down, disgusted by _**how sick you are**_.

"Really?" She crosses her arms in front of her in a defensive gesture, and you know this can mean only one thing- _challenge_. "How?"

"You don't need to know the details." You snap, because you're so not getting there. You don't even want to imagine the things you want to do to her, and you are not sure if you can ever bring yourself to blurt them out to her. (You've found out a perfect anti-truth spell. Thank you studying!)

"Hey, you're the one who gives importance to details." She snaps back.

You mentally curse yourself, because she is right, you're the one who's been lecturing her about details for the last seventeen years. "Go home Alex." You order, but your voice is shaky, and your hands are trembling.

"Mom asked me to stay here." She defends herself. "And you know I always listen to mom."

You tilt your head and narrow your eyebrows, because, really, she wants you to buy _that_?

"Fine." She yells, getting irritated at the argument. "But _you_ always listen to mom. And you'll be disobeying her if you send me back. You don't want to do that, do you?" She grins mischievously in a way that makes your blood boil and your lovesick heart throb rapidly at the same time.

"Yes I do." You yell back, and she looks stunned at your response. "Your safety is more important to me. I'm your brother. I'm supposed to protect you, not…."

You trail off, because you're so not saying the words.

"Not what Justin?" she presses; and you're convinced that she wants to embarrass you to death.

"You don't wanna know." You say, looking away, and you hope she buys that.

But she doesn't. "Yes I do." She replies in a determined voice. "Justin!" she demands, and you can't take it anymore!

You're yelling at the top of your voice, not caring if anyone hears you. "I want to pin you to that wall or that bed or that floor and… and….."

"And what?" she yells back, and gosh she wants to hear more?

"And kiss you." You barely manage to whisper with the guilt and the pain choking your throat. You're looking at her expectantly and fearfully.

You don't get the slap that you expected. She's simply reaching into your drawer, taking out your cookie jar, stealing cookies from it and closing the… what just happened?

"You needed 20 odd attempts to get your first kiss right." She's munching on a cookie, talking with her mouth full and…. grinning at you?

"And you're bringing that up now because..?" you ask in an annoyed tone, because seriously, what does _that_ have anything to do with _this_? 

"Dad said no magic while I'm here." She replies, slowly walking up to you, and your breath is caught in your chest again. "You have one chance."

"For what? Why do I…" you pause mid-sentence, realizing what she just said. You're slapping your face hard; trying to wake up from this weird dream, but it's not working, because she's still standing in front of you, giving you an incredulous look.

"You want me to…." You gulp before you get the sinful words out. "Kiss you?"

"Nope." And she decides to go with denial. "You want to kiss me. I just want you to fulfill your dreams."

You're staring at her in disbelief yet again. What is she saying? You reach your hand up and touch her forehead, feeling her temperature. "Are you okay?"

You hear her mumble something about 'dork', 'good-for-nothing', 'should-have-known', and the next thing you know is your eyes are drifting shut as her lips meet yours. She's unleashing years of carefully hidden love and repressed desire. And you wonder if you really good for nothing. How could you have missed _this_? (Thank you jealousy. Thanks Liz.)

She finally pulls away and you're still looking a bit dazed. "So?" she asks, grinning at you wickedly, yet innocently, like nothing happened.

"So?" you ask back, because you are not sure what else to say, because you are recovering from an almost-heart-attack caused by unexpected happiness, because for the first time in a long time _**you're sick but not disgusted with yourself. **_

"We'll run away after your college ends." She declares, and you are slightly shocked when you feel yourself nod.

"I'll get a good job, wherever we go." You announce with resolution, as your mind paints pictures of a bright future ahead. You are not that great of an artist, even when you are painting in your mind, but this time, the pictures are colorful and clear. "_**For that, I need to get good grades**_." 

She nods in understanding, and there's a _conference of lips again _and from that moment, life seems great again. You call her up every day, and she talks about how _perfect_ life would be when you run away. You go home during vacations, and she curls up into you as you watch the science channel, and you have to occasionally shut her complains up with secret kisses. You're still studying most of the time, but it is not because of pain anymore. You're spending hours in the library, studying physics, chemistry, biology, maths, and at the same time, researching on the perfect place to run away to, and enlisting the possible jobs you can get, reminding yourself again why you need good grades. You have decided to be a scientist and to spend your life researching on genetics, because at the moment that seems to be the greatest problem in your life. You are aware that you need a great academic result for that.

_So, you're studying day in and day out. You're getting all straight A-s. _

_(A/N: That's it guys. Please leave a review? BTW, I know this is off-topic, but I'm just curious to know this: if you've listened to 'Disappear' By Selena Gomez from the WOWP movie soundtrack, do you somehow feel it's sung about Justin, set in or after the movie?) _


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